


Don't go where i can't fallow

by wordsandwickedthings



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Everyone Needs A Hug, Harry Needs a Hug, M/M, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, The Marauders Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 06:53:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14075382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsandwickedthings/pseuds/wordsandwickedthings
Summary: Sirius was good at leaving, Remus wasn't as good at asking him not to go. Or 4 times Remus didn't say the words aloud, and 1 time he was too late.





	Don't go where i can't fallow

The first time he thinks it, they’re 13, and Remus was scared for his friend.

the train has gone and the crowd was thinning; they’re running out of excuses to stay. Remus’ parents were somewhere looking for him, his mother was probably already panicking, and Sirius’ escort is waiting impatiently in the corner.

_Don’t go._

Because he knows what happens when the raven-haired boy goes back to that place – Remus couldn’t bring himself to think of it as a home; Sirius has never pretended to like his parent, even when they first came to Hogwarts and it was obvious he feared his parents, he still tried to pretend they weren’t as horrible as the Marauders knew they were.

 Sirius was good at hiding, but since the black heir befriended him, Remus couldn’t _not_ pay attention to every detail of the charismatic boy. Curses don’t leave scars but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t see the marks they left.

He almost said it, could feel the words bubbling up his throat, but Sirius was going on and on about next year and the pranks they were going pull – the mischief the Marauders would create – as he slipped further and further away from Remus. Until he was gone without a goodbye.

Sirius hated goodbyes.

\--

The second time he thinks it they’re 15, and he was being selfish.

 Sirius has a date with some Hufflepuff that Remus didn’t bother to learn the name of. It’s the raven-haired boy's third date this week and Remus is pointedly not jealous, just annoyed. All of their hormones were raging at this point but Sirius’ put the other boys to shame. And Remus’ hormones were betraying him.

Because he’s a werewolf, because he’s a monster and monsters don’t deserve to feel happy – and nothing makes him happier than Sirius by his side.

Being gay wasn’t what scared Remus, not really (not mostly), it was more of why did it have to be _Sirius_. Sirius; who was his best friend, who saw the loneliness in the werewolf and made it his mission to obliterate it, who risked everything just to help ease Remus’ pain. Who was his Padfoot.

_Don’t go._

He doesn’t even think of saying any of that though, not like before; he can live with his misery – as much as he cannot live with Sirius’. Remus didn’t think he could live without Sirius period. there was no urge to confess the encompassing secret he’s been harboring for months now. Nope, not even a little bit.

Sirius had a type, whether he wanted to admit it or not; pretty, petite _girls_ with soft faces and even softer tongues.  Nothing about Remus was soft.

Least of all, his scars. Those ugly, dreadful scars that took up every inch of him, running along his arm and back – his _face_. No matter what the others say, or how many times James tries to tell him how much it doesn’t matter, he knew exactly what his scars are; hideous. If there was one thing Sirius wouldn’t want, its hideous.

So, when Sirius heads off to his date, dressed in muggle clothes and his hair loose and curly; Remus says nothing, just gives him a tight lip smile and laugh when he winks at everyone. Entirely ignoring the ache in his stomach.

\--

The third time he thinks it was a year later at 16, and Remus was just… broken.

He was in the infirmary, bent out of shape from the full moon the night before – James and Peter were asleep in chairs next to his bed, and for the first time since they were children Sirius wasn’t there. He was glad for that on some level, knew that James had screamed at him the second he poked his head through the infirmary door – even if they thought Remus was asleep. As if he could sleep at a time like this.

Snape was somewhere in the room, behind a closed curtain, with a cracked skull and a black eye; James swears it was all in the name of getting him out of the shack. The shrieking shake that Sirius led him to, while Remus tore himself apart.

The werewolf doesn’t remember what really happened, only the others account when he woke up the next morning. Accounts of Moony being untamable without Padfoot at his side, of Severus scream echoing through the grounds (giving the legends of haunted shack a new, darker twist), of the werewolf lunging at Severus with his teeth bared. Remus had thrown up after that part.

It was days before the two other marauders left, both having to practically be dragged out by McGonagall for missing too many classes from refusing to leave Remus’ side. It only took an hour after James and Peter left for Sirius to show up, sitting at the foot of the twin sized bed while the taller boy pretended to sleep – Remus forced himself not to flinch when the raven-haired boy rested his hand on the others foot. A part of him wanted desperately to rip his foot away, to sit up in bed to shake Sirius and ask him _why_ ; why would he do this? What was he _thinking_? _Did he even care?_  

Another part of Remus, a tired, sad part of him wanted to curl against the other boy and weep. A part of Remus just wanted his friend.

Sirius’ hand retreated before he could make up his mind, whispering, “I’m so fucking sorry.” Before retreating entirely, the only evidence he was even there the tears flowing down Remus’ face.

_Don’t go_.

And he hates himself for thinking it, he really does, But Remus is just so scared – Snape could have died, he could have been a murder. But also, in a childish way, he was scared because for the first time he couldn’t understand, he may not have agreed with everything Sirius did in the years he knew him, but he always understood. He couldn’t this time though, couldn’t map the other boys thought process out in his brain.

When his fear washes away, all he would feel is hurt.

\--

The fourth time, they were 20 and their relationship was cracked, but not altogether shattered.

They joined the Order of the Phoenix straight out of Hogwarts, like everyone knew they would – they were brilliant, valiant wizards. People never seemed to stop telling them they were natural born soldiers.

Remus didn’t know if he believed that; they were barely adults, they weren’t soldiers. He never doubted James’ brilliants, or Sirius’ courage, or even Peter’s willingness to fallow them anywhere – but Remus never doubted himself more than when Dumbledore came him and asked him to grovel to the man who destroyed his life – who made him a _monster_. Dumbledore needed a spy; the Dark Lord had dug his claws into several werewolf packs and they needed someone to infiltrate and find out what ‘he who shall not be named’ was planning.

 Remus was the only werewolf; but there was another reason, one his old headmaster would never say aloud – Remus was a good liar, his entire childhood depended on him being one. But no matter how good of a liar he was, his best friends – his family – always could see through them.

He and Sirius weren’t fighting, not really, you had to speak more than a dozen words to one another to fight. Sirius was never happy being kept out of the loop of something, so when Remus started leaving for days on end, and spending full moons away from the others, coming back bloody and littered in open wounds, Sirius was more than suspicious.

The werewolf had tried to ignore the other boy’s plea to let them help him, he tried to remain the same Remus he always was; but being the spy meant being part of Greyback’s pack, and that meant giving into the worse parts of himself – the ones he’d been trying to suppress for years. 

All the suppressed sadness and anger had led to a knock out fight between Remus and Sirius one night, neither of them really knew what they were screaming about, probably who used the last of the milk (that seemed to be something they fought about a lot lately) but, Merlin, they were screaming at one another.

Until Sirius stops, chest heaving, and says, “is it you?”

“what are you on about?” Remus was still screaming, all his anger at Greyback, and Dumbledore, and Voldemort himself was being targeted, unjustly, at Sirius.

“there’s a rumor going around that you know who has a spy in the order. Is. It. you?” the light-haired man was dumbfounded at the words that came out of Sirius’ mouth.

“don’t be absurd, Padfoot,” he was desperate enough to believe the fond nickname could defuse this situation.

“tell me where you go off to then, tell me why you're being so secretive again.” The word again ripped through Remus, as he remembered all those years ago how he tried to hard not to befriend the man in front of him. He remembered his childhood mantra; monsters don’t deserve to be happy. When he didn’t answer, Sirius had clearly had enough - muttering a simply, “whatever,” before he stormed out.

_Don’t go._

Remus wrapped his arms around himself, crumbling to the ground and letting out a sob when he heard Sirius’ bike roar to life. He knew he couldn’t tell Sirius what he was doing, even if he wasn’t sworn to secrecy, he knew Sirius wouldn’t understand. Because Sirius was there when Remus would wake up screaming, the nightmares of Greyback’s claws and teeth followed him everywhere, and Sirius was always the one to comfort him, to wrap his arms around the shaking boy and speak to him about everything and nothing until he drifted off again.

If Sirius knew every full moon Remus let those nightmares become reality again, he would try to stop him. But Remus had to complete his mission; after all, he wasn’t a boy anymore – he was a soldier.

\--

The fifth time – the last time – they were 36, and he had just gotten Sirius back.

 It had never made sense to Remus; Sirius, who had loved James and Lily so, being the one who ended their life. He knew why now, it didn’t make sense because it wasn’t him, Padfoot was innocent, they had switched secret keepers at the last second and Peter had betrayed them (that though seemed just as impossibly when Remus thought about it). 

But he had betrayed them, and he was still out there doing ‘you know who’s bidding’. The knowledge sat uneasily in Remus’ chest, Peter out there free while Sirius was confined to the walls of his hated childhood home on Dumbledore’s order, driving the man stir crazy.

Sirius’ house arrest was the reason they were arguing again - there boyhood bickering was becoming less charming when they were in their mid-thirties – Remus and some of the others were going to the ministry, Harry was in trouble. That fact alone was the reason Sirius was raving, demanding they take him with them despite everyone’s protest. Sirius’ time in Azkaban had left him thin and weak, even three years later he hadn’t recovered from 12 years of malnutrition and repeated abuse, there was no way Remus was letting him out into a fight – no matter how much he yelled and slammed his fists in a fit. Even if he was strong, he was still a wanted criminal.

When Remus left, Sirius was stewing on the couch staring at a spot on the floor like it would tell him the secrets of the universe. Everyone was ignoring Sirius, assuming this was part of the tantrum he was throwing, only Remus seeing the cogs working behind his glazed over eyes.

He closed his eyes, willing himself not to sigh in frustration, _please don’t do anything stupid, Sirius._

When everyone was gone, leaving only the two ex-marauders in the room, Sirius whispered, “please keep my godson safe, moony.” 

Remus breathed, trying to ignore the defeated strain in the other man’s voice, “always, Padfoot.” He raised his wand, watching magic come to life from within the object, “I love him, too.”

“I wasn’t saying-” he couldn’t finish his sentence, Remus was already apparating.

>> _at the department of mysteries << _

 They were there, the order forcing themselves between the death eaters and the kids they were trying to kill, but so was Sirius. He got to Harry before Remus had a chance to, yelling encouragements at the young boy as they shot and dodged spells at Malfoy and another death eater out of Remus’ view.

He had to get to Harry, he had to get to Sirius.

With a flick of his wrist, he shot a curse at the masked man in front of him watching him crumple to the ground, and looked at the two men as he directed his magic to where he wanted to go.

When his feet were on solid ground again he was a few feet away from the pair, and he saw who Sirius was throwing curses at - Bellatrix Lestrange. Remus swore; Sirius’ cousin looked more deranged than when they were teenagers, screaming every time the man blocked her spells.

This was giving Sirius too much confidence, “oi, Bella, had one too many kisses, have you?”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a flash of white light, followed by the shadows of death eaters fleeing, Dumbledore was here. he didn’t have time to look though, seeing Bellatrix fire off another spell, Remus ran.

He was too late though, the spell clipped Sirius’ shoulder and it was then Remus where the cousins had been fighting, as Sirius fell into the Veil (the very one that separated their world from the world of the dead). Sirius’ body fell to the ground as what was left as his soul floated away.

“Sirius!” he hadn’t realized he screamed it aloud until he heard it echo against the walls – he was too late. He made it to harry though, grabbed onto the fabric of his jacket and forced the boy into his arms to keep him from running after his godfather.

_Don’t go._

“he’s gone, ja-Harry, he’s already gone.” Remus was worried Harry would feel his heart breaking against his back.

“No, he’s not!” Harry was sobbing, “Lair, he’s not gone!”

“I’m so sorry harry, oh Merlin, I am so sorry.”

He clutched tighter as the child – he was just a _child_ – sobbed and screamed.

Everything else passed in a blur; Remus knew he didn’t have time to mourn, people were fighting all around him, risking their lives as he tried to simply control his breathing. Bellatrix was taunting Harry, Voldemort was somewhere taunting Dumbledore. Remus pulled himself together enough to fight, pulled himself together to help them win.

But when they got back to Grimmauld, Remus retreated to Sirius’ room, ignoring everyone’s questions and concerns. He let himself fall against the door, looking at the Gryffindor flags and posters Sirius had put up when they were teens, and to the relief of his aching eyes, he cried and cried and cried.

And when he finally caught his breath all he could mutter out was –

“Don’t go.”

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really write angst for characters that aren't my own, so this is kind of a shot in the dark. never the less I hope you enjoy.


End file.
